Top Ten Most Overrated Things (a rare note of attempted comedy)

1.High School Graduation:

Whoopdi-frickin-do, we didn’t flunk out. I can see why the students themselves would celebrate, just for being done with school, but what’s with all the ceremonial “congratulations”? It’s saying something about our society’s standards when we are so elaborately congratulated for not flunking out of an education series that is pretty much required. College graduation? Yeah that deserves to be a big deal cause for the most part it’s a choice--much less “required” than high school--that requires purely personal discipline and self-control. I know I know, in some cases parents are “forcing” their kids to go to college, but by that time it’s really up to the student. They could still get enough of a job to live on etc. without a college degree. But without a highs school diploma? Generally if they want any quality of life above a fleabag apartment and a factory job (or prostitution and drug sales on the street. It really comes down to personal preference there), they’d better graduate high school.
(Disclaimer: this entire list is spoken in generalities; I realize there are some exceptions to everything I say.)

2.Expensive Jewelry:

Unless one is going to use it as currency, why does it matter if a diamond is real when it could be replaced with a crystal or even a rhinestone and look exactly the same? Granted, it wouldn’t look the same if you took it to someone who knows precious stones and asked them to examine it, but for general intents and purposes (like wearing the jewelry), it has the same effect. It is unlikely one is going to run into someone who a) knows diamonds/gold/rubies/whatever well enough to tell their authenticity with the naked eye, b) cares enough whether or not one’s jewelry is real to come up and closely examine it, and c) will look down on you for being a cheapskate if your earrings aren’t “real”. So, if you like that bracelet and you think it goes well with your dress (or if you think that giant earring would really complete your pimp ensemble), who cares if you bought it at a garage sale for two bucks?
What about a gift, you may wonder? If you have the money and you want to show someone you care, isn’t expensive/real jewelry a good option? It depends on the recipient, I suppose. Personally I think that anyone, provided they are lucky enough to have the funds, could go out and buy a diamond necklace. I think gifts are more meaningful if they are homemade with the recipient in mind (“I know you like the smell of gasoline, so I made you this gasoline-infused pillow so you can enjoy the scent as you go to sleep.”), or if it’s something of the giver’s that has meant a lot to them (“This sock was my late father’s; I want you to have it”), or something of the giver’s that the giver has noticed that the recipient likes (“I’ve noticed how you’re always eyeing that yamaka of mine whenever you come over. I’m not Jewish and you really seem to like it, so you can have it.”), or something bought by the giver strictly because it reminded them of the recipient (“I was at Target and I saw this rooster-shaped colander and I thought of you, cause I know you love chicken pasta.”). However, if the recipient is someone who really loves or collects valuable jewelry/precious stones, nice jewelry would be a good gift. Not because of the price or authenticity, but because it is of specific interest to the recipient. In short, as far as gifts go, it is the thought and how-well-the-giver-knows-the-recipient that counts, in my opinion.
Again, I speak in generalities mixed with my own personal opinions.

3.Internet Phones

Are we so addicted to facebook that we just HAVE to get our fix of status updating THIS MINUTE? We can’t even wait until it’s appropriate to open the laptop, or even until we get home (gasp! The inconvenience!)? Will we go into excruciating withdraw if we can’t google “can Egyptians grow facial hair” RIGHT NOW? Need to get directions someplace? The number for “Larry’s Ink” so you can ask why you’re getting the finger from every Chinese person who sees that character you got tattooed on your face? Need to know what time the pharmacy closes so you can pick up your pinworm medicine? Want to compare gas prices so you can find the cheapest place to fill up your SUV that never leaves suburbia? It’s a phone. Dial the operator. If (s)he can’t answer your question, (s)he can give you the number of someone else who can.

4. “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin

Don’t get me wrong; it’s an awesome song. I do love it. But there are many songs that are just as awesome yet far less famous; some of which make a bit more sense. I don’t know about you, but I have trouble relating to a bustle in your hedgerow. Don’t worry, Rob; I’m not alarmed. And the guitar riff? Yes, it’s really cool. But it gets old when every guitar player and their mom learns it and sits around playing it, hoping people will notice how awesome they are.

5.Angry White Bands

We know, we know. She left you and it broke your heart. And you have such a macho-man complex that you have to scream unintelligible sentence fragments about hardcore things like drugs, suicide, murder, and rape into a microphone while your friends bang on heavily distorted instruments like children with pots and pans to get back some of the masculinity you lost when you realized that you weren’t quite the self-sufficient male that you thought you were.

6.Organic Food

I don’t care how many green-thumbed scientist nerds have sliced and diced produce. Health nuts spend twice the money on pesticide-free apples, and yet, in general, it doesn’t extend their lifespan by that much. Sometimes not at all. I’ll eat my bug-sprayed apple (oh, here’s a revelation: I’ll wash it.) and if, down the road, I suffer significantly from the pesticides, I’ll spend the money I saved by not buying overpriced organic produce on whatever medical procedure is required to treat the problem. However, in the likely event that I don’t suffer any health problems due to consuming non-organic apples, I could spend that extra cash on whatever the hell I want. Or put it in a retirement fund so in my elderly years I can lounge by a pool and laugh at the health nuts cause they spent so much money on organic produce they can’t afford a nice living facility (let alone in-home care), and so they have to live out those extra two years in a crappy nursing home. So no matter what, you’ll certainly be no worse off in the end than the health nuts for eating non-organic produce. You might even come out ahead. But hey, if it makes you feel better to shell out the extra cash for a banana with an earth-toned label that reads “Organic!”, be my guest. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

7.Sudoku

It’s just like any other puzzle. It has nothing to do with the numbers; if you’re good at Sudoku it doesn’t mean that you’re a math genius (maybe you are. Don’t know, don’t care. The point is, the two aren’t connected). Just because it has an exotic-sounding name doesn’t mean it’s any more effective than a crossword puzzle or a Rubix Cube. It might even be less so. Crossword puzzles expand vocabulary as well as exercise problem-solving skills, and Rubix Cubes have pretty colors. And, retro is coming back, so there’s a plus.

8.Things With Touch-Screens

Touching an icon on the screen is not any easier than pressing the “enter” key, but it seems like it because it reminds us subconsciously of when we were toddlers. Mommy said, “Which candy do you want?”. We would boldly jab at our coveted item with a chubby finger and demand, “That one!”, and enjoy the immediate results that took almost no effort on our part.
And, you uptight technology nerds, how many times have you scolded us free-spirits for getting fingerprints on the screen when we borrowed your phone or ipod? And now you all have the latest touch-screen things, and it makes you feel so smart. I was touching screens long before you, you hypocrites. What, you can get fingerprints on the screen, but I can’t? You think your fingerprints are better than mine? Of course, now that it’s YOUR idea, it’s ok. Go ahead and touch those screens like toddlers. I’ll be pressing the “enter” key like an adult.

9.The Personal Lives of Celebrities

Who. Cares. I’m not even sure what to say about this one, cause I cannot fathom why people care about what parts of Angelina Jolie are fake, or drama in her and Brad’s relationship. “Zac Way-To-Cool-To-For-The-‘H’ Efron and Vanessa Whatsherface are dating! Oh, no they’re not. Wait, yes they are! Oh, never mind; it’s been ten minutes. They broke up again. HOW SAD!”
Honestly, people…why?

10. Any Kind of Vegetable-Infused Body Wash or Lotion

If you want to smell like a cucumber, go buy (a non-organic) one for a fraction of the price, cut that sucker in half, and use it like a deodorant stick (goes on clear!). Gee, I wonder why people don’t do that. Maybe it’s cause cucumbers hardly smell AT ALL, and what little smell they do have is the scent of wet grass. Then why have they started putting cucumbers in soap-like cosmetics? What do you think they do with all those cucumber-slice-eye-pad-things after the rich chicks leave the spa? That’s right; they shove ‘em in the blender, dump them in the leftover plain body wash and lotion, stick a translucent label on a transparent bottle to make our minds subconsciously go from “clear” to “water” to “refreshing”, and overprice them at $10.99. Hey, it’s a rough economy; can you blame them for exploiting the gullibility of unique-scent-obsessed consumers? Really like that cucumber body wash but don’t want to risk being said consumer? Buy a bar of soap, slice up a cucumber, and go nuts (the matching deodorant comes free with the cucumber, if you only slice up one half).